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Juror #2
Sunday Feb 20, 2005 - Link to Entry
Jury duty has turned into juror service so I will be out of commission for the next week or so. Sorry but I'm going to be in the court during the day and working nights so . . . until a verdict has been reached, asta.
Celebrity Parade
Tuesday Feb 15, 2005 - Link to Entry
Though some of you may have already heard the story of the celebrity parade that ensued on Sunday afternoon at the Sunset Strip's favorite breakfast spot The Griddle, I must retell it for those of you who remain in the dark.
Sam picked me up a little bit past two with the goal of a delicious late lunch. Finding the Canter's Deli parking lot slammed I instead offered an alternative, which was to become the setting of our tale, the aforementioned Griddle. Arriving just a few moments later we found the Griddle a bit less crowded than usual. Perhaps this was due to a new seating area, a huge red Chevy van, where several people were eating.
Still we had to wait for a few moments both for a table and for Nichole to join us. While waiting Sam and I both noticed that one of the patrons who was dining in the van had gotten out to stretch her legs. This patron was none other than Drea de Matteo of Sopranos and Joey fame.
We were soon there after seated and when the waiter came 'round to take our order we couldn't help but inquire as to whether or not there were more mystery celebs inside the van. We soon learned that Gina Gershon of Showgirls fame was inside and that they had all been dining in their van parked right in front for over three hours and were most likely wasted.
Contrary to Sam's telling of this tale I was not starstruck, but rather I was fascinated at how bizarre the whole event was. Usually stars want to draw a low profile but eating out of a van in front of a hopping tourist area is hardly inconspicuous.
Then before we could get on with our meal one of the top current celebrities in the world just happened to walk by; none other than Chris Rock. Before we could even say anything to him Gina Gershon was starstruck and ran out of the van screaming after him. He came up to her and they proceeded to chat for over a HALF an HOUR at the corner of Sunset and Fairfax -- not exactly a quiet spot!
At moments Drea would come out and try to get Gina to come back into the van, but it became abundantly clear that Gina wasn't going anywhere. So Drea and her "crew" took off leaving Gina behind with Mr. Rock.
The cool and casual hipster crowd at The Griddle was abuzz about the trio of celebs but wouldn't dare bother them for a hello, a handshake, or an autograph. Well the Mickey Mouse ears-wearing tourists soon made their way out like they always seem to do. Cars filled with pale skinned co-eds were screaming to Chris, homeless folks were bugging them for smokes, and the waiters were giving them their life story screenplays that they had conveniently stored in their boxer briefs.
It was an absolute mess and as a result the spectacle came to a close. Gina and Chris hugged goodbye despite Sam's constant subliminal prodding encouraging them to partake in intimate celebrity relations.
This is and will probably remain the most ridiculous and stupendous celebrity sighting I have ever had. Making it all the more insane was the fact that I had ordered M & M pancakes and a hot chocolate for the meal.
Mmmmm chocolate.
The Third and Final Chapter of J & T, LTD.
Saturday Feb 12, 2005 - Link to Entry
And now the epic conclusion of J & T, LTD....If you have not yet read Parts I and II please use the links to get caught up . . .
"Welcome one and all to the first annual office retreat of J & T, LTD. We will start the ice breakers while we wait for Sari to join us," Travis explained to the others. He then unzipped his backpack and pulled out a series of envelopes.
Henry nervously eyed the envelopes. Being a secretive man, a closet party guy as it were, he wasn't much for ice breakers or ice breaking of any kind. He was very comfortable with his perceived nerdiness. His only relief was coming from the current missing status of his lover Sari. Though she had made no indications of their love affair to their coworkers thus far, he still felt that an office retreat with alcohol and bonding might expose what he did not wish to share.
Jon opened the cooler and asked, "Can I offer anyone a quality beverage?" They collectively groaned.
"No not water folks. By quality I mean alcoholic." And just like that they were all relieved.
Chris grabbed a beer, Shaniqua a wine cooler, Henry just took a coke, and the co-owners each uncorked their own bottle of champaign.
4 miles away Sari pulled her car onto the Bay Bridge. Though she didn't see it in her rear view, the source of her death was nearing.
At that same moment, Chris who was staring at Henry affectionately had his attentions diverted. Over his beloved's left shoulder he could see what he on his best day would articulate as, "a grotesquely large unidentified flying object most likely alien in origin." On his best day he would have been right.
The aliens in the distance were the motivation for my having written this short tale of J & T Quality Water and Natural Beverage Consultants, LTC. These aliens visited me in a dream just a few nights ago. I was on Treasure Island looking out at San Francisco. I was with a group of people I did not recognize. We were playing ice breaking games. I could see aliens coming and I saw them shoot some cars off the bridge.
One of these cars was to become Sari's vehicle. Singing her pathetic little heart out to her new Gwen Stefani album feeling good about the sexual affair she was having with Henry and the tremendous amount of affection her bosses clearly had for her, she found herself at peace as her car plunged through the fog and into the ice cold bay.
In my dream the aliens were very unfriendly. It must have been inspired by a film like Independence day rather than say an E.T. or a Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Unlike my dream, these aliens hadn't come to Earth for the sole purpose of destroying the beautiful city of San Francisco. Rather they had come in search of some high quality beverages and would stop at nothing to create and enjoy them.
The captain of the alien ship had recently become aware of a chemical compound that he and his crew found to be quite satisfactory. Wishing to be able to generate this compound himself he seeked consultation on the creation of high quality beverages. This UFO belonged to a group of lost souls of the universe, not violent weird shaped dudes.
The ship peacefully made its way over to Treasure Island and landed just next to the picnic area. Though they all wished to run and scatter in panic, the J & T staff found that they were unable to move. "I can't budge," Travis was able to belt out without moving his lips. One of his great hobbies was puppetry and ventriloquism.
Othorbaladaki, which isn't the name of the captain of the aliens, but I thought it sounded fairly interesting so this is how he will be referred to, exited his ship and waived his fourth arm in a circular motion. Our heroes became unglued and had free will returned. But they now chose not to move.
Othorbaladaki moved closer to speak. But like most aliens he lacked a mouth and did not communicate through audible signals. Unlike other aliens when Orthorbaladaki wanted to be understood by other creatures he could make the words appear in their field of vision by psycicly connecting with their optic nerves. He made the follow appear:
"I wish for nothing more than your help. You are all experts in your field and as a group can make the finest quality beverages on your Earth. Join us for a few days. Teach us. And we in turn will teach you whatever you want to know. Tsumeiduoy, Tsumeiduoy."
Strangely the entire group followed Orthorbaladaki back into his ship. It wasn't clear whether or not they were doing so because they chose to. Even as your narrator I am uncertain to this day as to whether or not forces stronger than humanity were employed to bring J & T, LTD aboard the ship.
Once aboard Chris who had seen the spaceship off in the distance but who had not noticed it blast Sari's car off of the bridge and into the bay asked a simple question, "Where's Sari?"
After a series of shrugging shoulders, a young alien boy who actually was named {~@7TOKTOK came forward. He made the following appear in their eyes, "I killed her. She was polluting the purity of your quality beverage knowledge. She was harming all of our lives."
Henry, usually the squarest of squares, felt his facade peeling away. He had fallen in love with Sari and it was a truer much deeper love than Jon or Travis felt for her. He grabbed {~@7TOKTOK by what he perceived to be his leg but turned out to be the equivalent of our stomach and spun him around and flung him to the floor.
This act made the young alien boy quite dizzy. The dizziness coupled with the squeezing of his stomach forced {~@7TOKTOK to empty his stomach that looked like an arm leaving him sore and very hungry.
Jon ran over to Henry. "What's gotten into you man?"
Henry, who was overwhelmed with emotion sunk down to the cold metallic floor (spaceships are never carpeted). He began to cry. "I love her Jon. We were in love."
"You were WHAT?!" And before Jon could further respond Travis came over to him with fury in his eyes.
What ensued was not pretty. Three men all in love with the same woman who has recently been killed is never pretty.
As the three men fought violently Shaniqua and Chris stood in disbelief. Chris couldn't take his Henry being beaten and ran forth to join the brawl leaving Shaniqua, {~@7TOKTOK, and Othorbaladaki just standing there, watching.
The two aliens nodded to each other although Shaniqua didn't notice. She had begun pleading with all of them to stop but found that she could no longer speak or move. Apparently she was frozen again.
Appearing out of thin air was a huge vat and as the men beat each other repeatedly the vat began to fill. As it filled so too did Shaniqua's eyes with this message, "Anger mixed with the fluid of human life is the beverage we crave. Your mind is the one that posses the knowledge of how to distill this beverage to make it the level of quality we desire."
And as she finished reading her eyes filled with tears and our strange story came to an abrupt end.
Thursday
Thursday Feb 10, 2005 - Link to Entry
A short reprieve from my strange tales for today. And why not use it to discuss this year's television phenomenon, Desperate Housewives?
Watching it for the first time on Tuesday night I found myself strangely uncomfortable. No it was not physical discomfort from the arousal caused by the sight of Eva Longoria, but rather it was the familiarity of it all. This beautiful little suburban town where everything looks perfect on the outside but is often all torn up on the inside, is exactly like where I grew up.
I didn't quite put my finger on this realization until one of the characters cracked open a Chicago Tribune. It was in that moment that I could clearly see that many of these fictional story lines paralleled memories from my life and from the lives around me in good old Deerfield, Illinois.
I've always held a belief that when you don't have problems you make problems for yourself. Some of the most dysfunctional people in the world are the ones who have everything they ever wanted. When all you're left with is, "Now what?" problems ensue.
If you find that you do have everything, give something up for lent like my friend Pat
recommends. Perhaps he'll give up C.C.R. since they are highly overrated and have brought less to music than acts like The Spice Girls or the band formerly known as Green Jello did.
So here's to having less than everything and living a happy, functional, and non-desperate life.
The third and concluding chapter of J & T is next up.
J & T, LTC. Part II
Wednesday Feb 9, 2005 - Link to Entry
And now the exciting second chapter in the tale of J & T, LTC. (If you have yet to read part one do yourself a favor and check it out below first)
Travis made his way over to the left lane exit off of the bay bridge. It was clearly marked but Jon always felt it had a way of sneaking up on people. Travis's sharp but practical Toyota Spyder became more visible as it departed from the fog heavy bridge to the windy but clear Treasure Island Rd.
Henry and Shaniqua carpooled to this first office outing. They were patiently waiting for the others at a picnic table. Though they had been told there would be food, Henry had insisted that he bring some extra snacks and such for everyone, "just in case." In his picnic basket set atop the picnic table he had packed some sandwiches, some chips, and some diet caffeine-free sodas because thats just the kind of guy that he is. Note that I would usually refer to sodas as pop but as the narrator of this tale it is my responsibility to place the priority on setting over my own personal vernacular. Call me a sell out but you're still reading for a reason.
Sari, the vixen who J and T both love but who is secretly sleeping with Henry, hadn't decided whether or not she would be attending the retreat. It had been billed as a team building event but she feared it would turn into long discussions about water consultation which really didn't interest her in the least. She was currently enjoying a late lunch with her ex-boyfriend at the Cheesecake Factory in Union square. Her ex-boyfriend still believed they were together even though she had made it clear that she wanted nothing but friendship and was sleeping with other people. But she still would sleep with him every now and then and he would still pay for her cheesecake, so I could see how he felt the issue was a bit ambiguous.
Speaking of ambiguous, Chris, who actually isn't that ambiguous at all, was waiting in his car in the parking lot. He had on a bright yellow shirt and sunglasses with hologram pictures of Marilyn Monroe. It was a peculiar look I must admit. He was waiting in his car because he had seen Henry and Shaniqua at the picnic table and was preparing to join then when he was suddenly overcome with the fear of awkward silences ensuing. So he instead remained in the parking lot waiting for at least Jon and Travis to arrive.
And speak of the devil. Just when I finished typing that last sentence the Toyota Spyder belonging to Travis, who I kind of wished I had named Tavis, pulled up next to Chris and honked. The honk brought Chris out of his car where Shaniqua and Henry had known he had been hiding but wouldn't say anything for fear of an awkward silence. The noise also interrupted Shaniqua's reciting of a poem she had written when she was in middle school entitled "The Littlest Giant." Her and Henry had started rattling off things that they had memorized from their childhood that they seemingly would always have in their mind. Her poem, which was actually my poem, was four stanzas and went a little something like this:
There once was a giant
And he was quite small
And all he wanted
Was to be tall
Everyone was mean to him
They would step on him and crush his bones
He would bleed and bleed
And wish he was at home
One day he fell into the ocean
Unfortunately he was stuck
He couldn't escape
From the awful muck
Nobody saved him
So he died
And at his funeral
Nobody cried.
When the horn had sounded, Shaniqua was half way through the third stanza. Henry never heard the end of the poem and would always wonder what became of the littlest giant. But with the fireworks that were about to happen in just a few short minutes the poem would slip his mind for awhile.
They all met at the table. Jon was carrying a cooler and Travis had a bag full of snacks and a backpack . . . To be continued.
J & T, LTC. Office Retreat (Part I)
Tuesday Feb 8, 2005 - Link to Entry
Jon and Travis made their way to Treasure Island. They had fallen into some money some time ago and recently began funding and building their dream, a startup water purification consulting agency. This trip to Treasure Island, just a short drive from downtown San Francisco, was a business getaway -- a team-building retreat.
Meeting Jon and Travis, or J & T as they were becoming known around town, was their small but growing staff of 4. 3 consultants named Chris, Henry, and Shaniqua, and their clerical staff of one - Sari Bennet.
It was no secret that Sari had the job before she even opened her mouth in her interview. Upon seeing her waiting in the lobby, Jon had heard bells in his head and Travis had managed to spill his incredibly hot coffee staining his pants and seering is left inner thigh. Sari was a knockout and lucky for these love struck co-owners she was also single, intelligent, and open to experimentation.
It is also no secret, at least as far at the employees of J & T are concerned, that Chris is attracted to Henry but is too shy to speak of his love, They all seem to believe that Henry is mostly asexual and is really only passionate about water products, and everyone thinks that Shaniqua was hired to fill a diversity quota.
Well two of these "facts" are actually, mostly, and beyond theory, conjecture, and the like, untrue. Henry is actually quite an animal outside of work. At work he's a tie wearing water expert, but after quitting time, forget what you know. Sari, the woman for whom which both J & T would sacrifice it all, ran into Henry just two weeks ago at the Blue Light Lounge on Geary and Stanyan. Somewhere between drinks, dancing, and Henry's sheets, she learned just how non-asexual the man is.
The other untrue-ism (not a word, but when has that stopped my mad narration skills? Anyway...) Shaniqua was not hired for racial quotas or to make the company look more diverse. Yes in hiring her the company was made to look more diverse, but this was not the motive of her hire, just a wonderful bonus of inviting her to be a part of J & T Quality Water and Natural Beverage Consultants, LTC. Shaniqua was actually brought on because unlike the rest of the new hires, she had over 20 years of experience in Beverage Quality control prior to joining and really should be running the whole firm.
Making the whole issue of the belief that anyone was hired for diversification purposes over quality experience even more ironic, Shaniqua had actually been a victim of being a baby who was switched at birth. She was a dark skinned baby who came from Sephardic Jewish lineage. The real Thomas baby who was sleeping just one incubator over at the hospital was much lighter skinned. The nurse upon looking at the tags decided that Shaniqua Thomas and Rebekah Mordechi's charts must have been switched on accident. Her assumption was that there was no way the young Jewish baby could be darker than the young black gal. She assumed incorrectly and undid what she thought was a mistake nevering speaking of the matter again. She passed away over 8 years ago. Now only I know of this mishap, and if you've read this far, you too are now aware. I created her, this nameless nurse. But I did not tell her to switch the babies. She made that mistake herself and I let that secret die with her. Don't tell anyone please.
To Be Continued . . .
The Aroma of Groundhogs
Sunday Feb 6, 2005 - Link to Entry
This year the groundhog saw his shadow and has chosen to retreat for 6 more weeks of Winter slumber and yet the very next day I found myself playing outdoors at nine o' clock in the eve.
I was invited to be part of a new series called Acoustic Wahx featuring a variety of LA acts and a brand new sandwich and coffee joint, Aroma. Being a small restaurant they decided to move the show outside and employ a very powerful and high quality PA system which attracted many young co-eds who were walking by and a few street people as well.
Being my first time on stage in about 3 months I felt it best to stick to material that I really know well. I've felt really good about the way I perform covers for the past year and I've wanted that same feeling from my own songs so I decided to take on a new approach; instead of viewing my songs as my own creations and feeling like I was putting myself out there by playing those tunes, I would instead view them as someone else's songs that I was covering. Good plan, no?
Well I think it worked. I played with a lot more ease and with a bit more experimentation in my guitar and vocals. Though my stage presence left a few things to be desired my singing and playing were both smooth and comfortable. I believe it was one of my best shows yet.
As I mentioned before, we were outside and the sounds were drawing in people from Sunset. One such person decided he should come talk to me during one of my song breaks. He asked me to, "Drop it like its hot." I did my best. I hope I didn't let him down.
Turns out it was quite the show of the chosen people. During my closing I thanked the venue, Aroma, and then mentioned the Mezuzah I saw hanging on the door frame. Well, I knew my friends were Jewish, but I had no clue the rest of the audience was as well. They cheered wildly and started singing about sivevot or something...
So all and all it was a bizarre outdoor show featuring both Jews and the Homeless and I'd like to think I didn't disappoint.
Miami Hangover
Wednesday Feb 2, 2005 - Link to Entry
I think I'm still hungover. I don't drink often these days. I have found that my enjoyment of such has really wained since the collegiate days. Well, I never was in love with drinking. Though I do love drinking games and the occasional drunken night and adventure, I've never been known as a party animal. Well when in Rome, or Miami as the case may be....
Miami brought with it many good memories for both myself and my new yet temporary life partner, Flat Stanley. At over four feet tall and made of the thinnest of paper, Stan is a bit of a nuisance. He was very frisky with my roommates in the hotel and was very popular amongst erotic entertainers at the bachelor party. I almost had to fight a woman who referred to herself as "Big Petite" to regain custody of my papery counterpart. That first night brought many drinks at the rehearsal dinner and party, and also lots of greasy food at the local Denny's.
I was so annoyed with his popularity and unwieldy dimensions that I grounded Stanley for the remainder of the trip and he missed out on the much anticipated return to J'ai Alai. For those of you unfamiliar, this wonderful sport hailing from what I've been told is in the border regions of France and Spain, involves men playing a racquetball like sport using huge curved scoopers to both catch and launch the ball.
Beyond the wonderful entertainment provided by the athleticism of these warriors of the court, a J'ai Alai spectator is encouraged to bet on their favorites. Similar to horse racing you are able to select teams to win, place, and show as well as doing many crazy combinations like predicting the order the teams will finish in, or who won't win, etc. They are all sucker bets, but unlike horse racing where yelling probably doesn't effect the outcome much, hollering at these competitors will oft effect their play and the result of the game. Fun FUN FUN!!
After that was all said and done I was off to the union of Michelle and Rob. I was joined by many old friends from my fraternity days at NU to watch one of the first in a series of many upcoming weddings of old collegiate friends. The synagogue, ceremony, the couple and reception were all quite beautiful.
And just like the previous night the drinks...well, they were continuously flowing. Martinis, champagne, mojitos, and more -- two nights in a row with a lot of toxins in the blood stream.
So as I previously stated, I think I'm still hung over. Hopefully the feeling will pass and I'll feel energized and pumped for my show this week. If not perhaps Flat Stanley will stand in for me.
Rock.