200th Entry!! - All About T. Hanks

Friday Jun 25, 2004

Yep. Today marks my 200th entry. And let me tell you, you’re in for a doosey. Today’s entry asks the age old question: Is Tom Hanks America’s most lovable loser?

After viewing The Terminal today I couldn’t help myself from quickly linking the film with another Hank’s film of isolation and hardship, Cast Away. In both films a happy go lucky Hanks gets slapped upside the head by the rest of the world and is resourceful enough to survive with flying colors. Hate to spoil the ending for you all but just like in Cast Away, Hanks ends up surviving but losing the girl. Now think back through the entirety of Hollywood Cinema. How many films end up with the romance failing? You’d be hard pressed to come up with more than 5, I guarantee it. And Hanks might be in all of them. Total combined loser points for the two films, 14.

Let’s face it folks, we love Hanks because he plays losers who we can relate to. Take a walk through cinematic history with me. Starting with Splash, Hank’s first big break. Tom falls in love with a mermaid. As we know from the obvious Disney rip-off of this classic, when Mermaids and Humans fall in love one of the two always loses out on living where they “belong.” And of course following my theory, as this is my article, Tom Hanks is the one to make the sacrifice giving up both living on land and his legs to be with the girl. Mathematically speaking, giving up one’s legs and ability to live on land for underwater sex and love is not a horrible loss, but it is a loss nonetheless. I calculate it at 3 Loser Points.

NEXT….Big. Everyone remembers this classic well. So I shouldn’t have to remind you that it is Hanks playing young Josh who feels unfulfilled and asks to be made Big (which I might add is one of the most explicit sexual references in a family film that was overlooked by America in the history of cinema. Really only dwarfed by Honey I Blew Up the Baby). After being granted his wish he is isolated in NY but once again makes the best of his situation. He falls in love but is not ready to be an adult so he wishes himself back to youth and a day later returns to being a dorky Jew in Suburban NY. Losing a hot successful woman, good career, and great loft while merely regaining his youth… 8 Loser Points.

Take me out to the ball game with A League of Their Own. Drunkard Jimmy Duggan played by Hanks blew his professional career and now can’t keep himself sober for 10 minutes. He’s stuck managing an all women’s team instead of fighting in the war proudly. The only thing that makes his team good is that the players take over and manage for him. Worst part is he loses in the Championship game with a play at the plate. Loser Points 14.

“Wherever I was going, I was a runnin’.” – Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. Pour Forrest has the following things happen to him. He is born well below average intelligence into a single parent home. He has a crooked spine. He has bullies hit him with rocks. His girl is regularly beaten and molested by her father. When he feels her breast in her dorm room he ruins her roommate’s robe. His best good friend dies in Vietnam right there by that river. He is shot in the buttox. A girl who kisses him tastes like cigarettes. His mother dies of cancer. When he finally gets his girl she has Aids and dies shortly thereafter leaving him a widower and single parent. On the plus sides he has a pretty awesome kid, made tons of money, a great friend in Lt. Dan, and has seen the world. Loser Points 3.

A quick montage of the remaining films of note:
Turner and Hooch- He’s best friends with a dog, 2 Loser points.
Joe v. The Volcano - well just for agreeing to being in the film, and of course the Brain Cloud, 5 Loser Points.
Sleepless in Seattle – He’s a widower, 3 Loser points.
The Green Mile – He can’t pee properly. 12 Loser Points.
Saving Private Ryan – He dies. 7 Loser Points.
That Thing You Do – The band he represents breaks up after having only one hit, 4 Loser Points.
Philadelphia – Not only does he get fired, but he has AIDS, and he dies. 15 Loser Points.
Ladykillers – Dies and is super annoying, 5 Loser Points.
Catch Me if You Can – Really only catches Leonardo after Leo gives up running. And by then is so in love with him that he decides to make him his partner for life in the FBI. 9 Loser Points.

All told, Hanks really loves to be a lovable loser. Just from my assessment alone which left out quite a few of his films he has amassed over 90 loser points making him a grade A loser. But really he’s a big winner because he has made the roll just so lovable and so damn profitable. He’s the biggest name of our generation in cinema and there is very little that can be done to change that. So in conclusion, Tom Hanks is a very accomplished actor who is always always type cast as the loser.

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200th Entry!! - All About T. Hanks

Friday Jun 25, 2004