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Lost in Creation

Sunday Feb 22, 2004

This is a very introspective rant. I found it therapeutic to pour it all out. Take it or leave it but don't let it worry you.

From the ground I built a band. Never for a moment did I think it perfect. But for it to have taken so much sweat and effort and to have fallen apart over night after a reasonably successful premier. Disappointing. Maybe even devistating. Lets face a simple fact. Since the evening of January 19th I have felt lost. I had tunnel vision for so long and my project that was going to be my training wheels on the way to LA LA land fell apart before it even had a chance to savour the light of day. And for what? Its not like the members are off playing bigger and better shows. Its not like the members are really doing anything at all. Is it the era we are in or is it the place we live or is it simply me? Questions circling like buzzards picking at my once driven heart.

I must face it, I'm lost in Creation. Though no one thing or one person is to blame, the collapse of my musical life, albeit temporary, has spiralled me into a major life funk. Now at the bottom looking up wondering how this hole got so deep. My friend Sam tells me you have to battle the doubts everyday. The fact of the matter is there will always be someone better and even if there isn't you cannot stay on top of the hill. You just have to stay focused and driven and keep wanting the hell out of it. I guess I met my match in you, Koala Jones, in you San Francisco, in you 2004. At least for the moment.

I guess I cannot blame all of this on the music. Let's face it, I was so busy last fall I did not have time to look around. Life has lost a little luster without those great kids antagonizing my everyday. Knowing that they needed me and really inversely coming to understand that I needed them was a life force that has been missed in this year of subbing, djing, and music odds and ends. For the first time in my life I failed to really create a safety net in case I stumbled. Maybe I needed to fall.

This sounds so dark, but it isn't meant to be. I'm simply at a crossroads. The future is uncertain and I must decide what to focus the majority of my stock into. Shall I just spend these months studying music and getting better at my craft while I look to make a move into the film industry upon my arrival in LA? Should I simply have fun and enjoy this time in San Francisco, a wonderful city which for one reason or another I have not found a way to co-exist in harmony with? Shall I travel to and fro? I'm already booked for Japan, Chicago and Vegas for the wedding, and I'm sure I'll find my way to LA a half dozen times or more before all is said and done. What is keeping me here except loyalty to friends and business commitments?

Some awful things have happened in the past week. A friend from college had a most horrific tragedy in her family. (I do not want to write about the details as it is not on my mind or here in this entry for News purposes.) Just hearing about this double murder involving her father and step-mom put so much into perspective. It makes things like music and film seem insignificant. It makes all of this routine seem silly. It makes all the bullshit that plagues the days small and unimportant. And how do we just keep going on like nothing ever happened. This stuff is happening everywhere everyday. But to live in a world where you keep your eyes open to the darker side of life is to live a very frightened and empty existence. I suppose you have to find a balance to understand the fragility and splendor of life while maintaining a grounded but positive perspective.

I have so much to say that has already been said by millions millions of times over. All we really have is love because everyone has something beautiful to share but we do not have time to see, read, and listen to it all. With all the people through all the years of humanity having so much to contribute, all we can hope for is to enjoy what we get to enjoy with people we love.

I feel better. Now if I could just figure out how to call Japan.