Aqua

Sunday Dec 5, 2004

When the hell did water get so undrinkable? I just tried a glass of tap water and came close to dry heaves. I shit you not. It was straight up disgusting.

It’s raining outside. Raining, raining, raining. Some would say its god crying. I’m not sure about all that. But after some careful thought I did what any silently indignant protestor of bad drinking water would do, I made myself a glass of acid rain.

I grabbed my favorite glass from the cupboard. Well really it’s a mug that I got when my grandfather got back from his travels to Europe. It says, “Mind the Gap – London’s Underground.” I’ve never been to London but I sure love my grandpa so I cherish this old treasure.

Anyway, I let myself out on to my balcony. There is an overhang so I had to lean over the rail a bit to collect god’s tears. He sure was sad about something today. I hear he was crying from here all the way to Macomb, IL. There, there big fella.

After about 30 seconds or so the mug had filled about a quarter of the way. Not wishing to spend another minute and a half collecting the acid drops (I did the math in my head, I swear!), I took my bounty and headed in.

I remembered this annoying commercial that used to air all the time back when I lived in Homewood, Illinois – which is in fact no where near Macomb, but rather much closer to neighboring Flossmoor and the great city of Chicago. The commercial featured a prominent baseball star, Sammy Sosa, issuing a challenge to the fans to determine which pop (we called it pop back in Homewood) was Pepsi and which was the market leading Coca Cola.

Obviously wishing to issue my own challenge I quickly went to the cupboard and found another cup, this being a Padres 1995 Season commemorative plastic container. I filled it a quarter of the way with tap water and brought it back over to the table placing it beside my acid rain.

I relaxed for a moment trying to clear my pallet. I flashed back to just moments earlier when I had been so disgusted by the taste of the two part hydrogen one-part oxygen compounds that were spewed forth by my kitchen sink.

I thought of the Motorcycle Diaries. Che swims across the Amazon to be with the Lepers. Makes it without a scratch –Unbelievable!

Then I thought of the East River. Kramer finds it a great place for fitness training minus the horrendous odors. My friends Trace and the now late Spades found it incredibly dangerous. Both were pulled under. Only Trace came back up. So it goes.

Wasn’t swimming in rivers once encouraged? When did bottled water become the only drinkable version of the oldest beverage on the menu? Well I know David Schmidty would blame it on how the times have changed.

The aqua challenge began. I started with the tap. Though knowing quite well that the taste would spin me somewhere close to nausea I still felt it would be safer than what might be offered by Los Angeles’ smoggy skies. I could taste elements, sulfur, perhaps some rusted copper, fluoride, ah and yes good old hydrogen and oxygen.

Now it was time to mind the gap. I brought gods tears to my lips. I took the smallest of sips just in case. Hmm. Not bad. Much less metal influenced. It smelled better too. Like all those dead pine trees in that graveyard. No salt though – Couldn’t possibly be tears. Unless god cries fresh water…. I wonder if Sammy Sosa knows.

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Aqua

Sunday Dec 5, 2004